Gulp

An incredibly lovely day yesterday with Erica and Christine.  HWISO said that Erica's pasta was the best he had ever tasted - and he's been to Italy!  He got the leftover warm ups in the evening.  I would ask Erica to come and cook it again for Tim, when he arrives next week (Squee!), but we have a strict "No Italian" rule whilst he is here! Bring more of that cake - it didn't last long.  (Only Erica could get up on a Monday and "whip up" blueberry compote BEFORE leaving at 8 am for the school run!)

When Tim went back last time to Italy, we fell like gannets on pasta and gorged for about three days….

I refuse to talk any more about the award, which has touched me deeply.  It is not that I am not grateful and flattered and honoured.  It is that I am very aware that it is not just me and I really think there are so many to share it with and I hope to be able to do so.  The only other prize I have ever won was the Dancing Cup at Tudor Hall in 1977, so it is up there with the big stuff.

So I am facing a long and scary day today in Basildon Hospital today, doing tests to see if I am "match fit" for the operation.  Luckily, darling B has assured me that I don't need to be fit enough to run a marathon, which is a relief, as the stairs sometimes wear me out and I don't look that healthy these days - those darn steroids are miracle drugs, but they are not for the vain - just saying.  I also wanted Erica to photoshop my hair blue, so I looked like Sonic the Hedgehog (and matched the Aga) but she didn't so I have made the photo as small as possible.

Meanwhile, my fellow ModSquaders have been sending me lovely piccies of Fall in the USA - such vibrancy from both coasts, although I think Colleen wins on the sweeping up of the leaves competition.  But she is the kind of girl who cleans up the "yard" with a flame thrower….

Great Pacific North West

New York City

Can't resist a link to Superdewa - sorry…

Lots of questions to answer, lots of decisions to be made, lots of stuff I haven't done but will try to fit in this morning, lots of fear of the unknown and, as always, that tiny bit of optimism that my life could be a little more comfortable, whatever operation ends up being had.  (Me, me, me, me, me!)

I sometimes wish I could be all emotional like Laura and say all that icky soppy stuff.  But I can't.  The whole ingrained, stiff upper lip, stoic, laugh it off, is an intrinsic part of my character and I have learnt, as a parent and as a carer of someone with a life threatening illness, that you just have to accept stuff and getting angry just wastes valuable time and energy.  Living in the moment works for me. 

My girls went back to school last night.  It is going to be a tough week for them and HWISO too.  My only wish is that I could take all this shite away from them. The biggest regret, for me, is the pain I cause them and the rest of MY family and that is a heavy enough burden to bear, without getting angry at Cancer, or Death, or myself.

So calm acceptance is what I am aiming for today, whatever the outcome of my match fitness tests….